Thursday, 14 September 2017

Our Infertility Story: One Year On

September 14th is significant to me. Not only because it's apparently gobstopper day but because it marks exactly a year since I took my last contraceptive pill.

I look back on a journal entry I wrote on 25th September 2016 and cringe a little. "I guess that means I'm now fertile... I'm trying not to stress about how long it might take". But I remember feeling so sure that it would only take a couple of months. That I'd definitely be pregnant by my birthday in February.

I don't think anyone starts trying for a baby and thinks that in a year they won't be heavily pregnant or holding their baby. Certainly, I didn't expect that a year down the line I'd have had multiple hospital visits, all sorts of scans and blood tests and be due to start fertility drugs next week. 

What would I tell myself a year on?

I'd start by telling myself that I am stronger than I, and a few others, give myself credit for. That I can cry and rage until it feels like my heart might break and then wake up in the morning and face the day again. I've sometimes wondered if people confuse tears and feelings of despair with weakness, they are not synonymous. 

It's been a year of immense lows with crippling anxiety. There have been tears, anger and insomnia. 

But I have learnt so much. Not only about my body, but about myself. 

I'm a much healthier version of myself thanks to the lifestyle changes I've made: acupuncture, swimming, yoga, diet changes. 

I'm more assertive and confident, as a result of pushing for answers and appointments. 

My relationship with God is transformed. I've definitely felt for a while that I've been going through the emotions to knowing how to reach out to him, that it's ok to make prayer more of chatting away than sitting in deep, revered silence and hoping to hear something. 

I've met some incredible people. Including my whatsapp queens, a group of girls who are also experiencing infertility. It has been so wonderful to feel so loved, understood and known by women I count as my tribe. Their stories not only break my heart but bring me so much hope. 

Do I think 14th September 2018 will hold the same level of significance? or by then will I be holding our baby in my arms? I really hope so. But I've learnt to accept that there are no guarantees. All I can do is trust God, believe that Clomid could be a miracle drug for me, and ride each wave with my husband, family and friends by my side and counting every blessing. 

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